I’m so excited to have my first guest blogger. I hope after you are finished reading her post here, you’ll go check out her site. Here is a little of what she had to say about herself:
My name is Ellie, I’m a mum of two (Big E, 3 years and Little E, 9 months) from Yorkshire and I’m a raging insomniac! I’m currently in the last few days of my maternity leave and dreading my return to work. I’m addicted to blogging and can often be found online late at night writing blog posts to fill the waking hours when sleep fails me. I blog at http://www.insomniacmummy.com/
After losing my mother to leukemia when I was just five years old, I always found daring to make plans to become a mother myself difficult.
While all the girls at school were imagining how many children they’d have and what their names would be, I never felt safe enough to imagine those things would happen to me. My mother’s death had instilled in me, at a very early age, the harsh reality that the world isn’t always the stuff of wonder and beautiful imagination.
After having no choice but to grow up fast, I was fiercely independent. To the extent where I’d push anyone too close away, for fear of losing them. Cutting my losses often seemed like the sensible option. I was completely afraid of getting hurt. Totally illogical, but at the time necessary for my self-preservation. Thankfully I had a few very good friends and a good man who stuck by me, even through my most valiant attempts at self-destruction.
When you lose someone so close, so young, it’s hard not to spend an inordinate amount of time worrying about death and grieving for losses yet to come. It was also a huge decision for me to eventually have children.
When I fell pregnant with my son in 2006 I was over the moon! After two previous miscarriages, and having recently lost my mother in law too, we were thrilled to finally have something to look forward to. I felt ready to plan a future and was excited to finally be on my journey into motherhood. I bought books, searched the internet for information, attended NCT Antenatal classes and gleaned as much information from virtual strangers as I could.
But, as much as these wonderful people and things helped me get through and understand my pregnancy, I felt completely alone and at daunted at the prospect of heading into motherhood, motherless.
I had no-one to ring in the night when my head was spinning with questions only a mother can answer. As the weeks passed by I found myself grieving for my mother once more and filled with total trepidation at the prospect of becoming a motherless mother.
I was absolutely terrified that I wouldn’t have any natural mothering instincts, that I wouldn’t be able to give a mothers’ love to my children because I’d not experienced if for so long. I simply didn’t know or understand how to be a mother. I just hoped and prayed that somehow it would all fit into place.
One rainy early winter day in November 2006 I finally realized I could do this! When they handed my son to me, in the theatre after a fairly traumatic forceps birth, I felt that rush of unconditional love that so many mothers speak of, and I felt incredibly lucky and relieved. That rush of love filled my heart, a rush that I know my mother felt for me.
Finally, I understood. Only I can teach me how to be a mother to my children.
There are still days when I struggle with being a motherless mother and feel stranded and a little lost at sea. But, I now realize that my Mum wouldn’t want me to waste the time I have with my children worrying whether or not I’m doing it right or well enough, she’d want me to enjoy every second I have with them. And, in spite of the odd wobble and crisis of confidence here and there, I’m doing my level best.
So, while life may not always be the stuff of wonder and beautiful imagination, sometimes, if we let go of our fears and trust our own instincts it can be just that.